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" I'm just asking," he said defensively. "Cause there were five, six adult sites. My computer, I've chucked it in storage, well it has three in the favourites." Well bully for you," Natalie shouted and spun round to face him, raising her hands up. "OK, so I get lonely and bored and desperate sometimes, is that what you wanted to know? And yes I have had one date from that site, it was in Preston last week and it was a total disaster. He wanted a stripper not a nudist. Now I don't want to discuss this with you."Adam bit his lip as Natalie waved a spatula in her hand he watched as she turned to butcher some mushrooms with a knife. "I didn't mean to ... well I wasn't sayin'" You were." I wasn't, I mean I offered to take you to the pub last week and you weren't interested. You don't have to be lonely."Natalie shook her head. "It's not about you. OK it's hard to go from a long-term two-year relationship to nothing, it takes some adjustment. I don't want a relationship and I don't want to. I was stunned. I asked her."Don't you feel anything for me anymore Julie?"She sobbed loudly, and then she faced me."It's not that I don't love you Jon, its, well... how can you still love me after all of the men, all of the whorish ways I have done and been? You can't love me Jon, I don't even like myself, let alone love myself and if I can't love me how can I expect anyone else to love me?"I didn't know what to say. I had thought that she didn't love me anymore and it was her doubts about my love for her she had meant."Julie, I know that I have been acting very cruelly to you, but I had to so that Joan would think that she was winning me over. I needed for her to believe that I was falling for her and out of love with you. Can't you see that I had to deceive all of you in order to get to the place I am now? Our only chance for success is to make Joan believe that I love her and not you."Julie looked at me. "You still love me Jon?"She was watching my face, looking into my eyes, she.
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